Lost

Where do I even begin. I am so confused right now. And "lost". I recently finished my senior exit project with flying colors. And now I am set in stone to graduate, I just have to show up for the last 5 days I have left where I won't be doing anything. The past couple weeks I have been doing some major contemplating on what I am going to do for a living after schooling. I have been telling myself over and over again, "the things I like doing lead to careers, of being broke or working 60+ hours a week. So I'll just get a basic degree, get a basic job, work 40 hours a week, make basic money, live a basic life, and just get by with my video games, my basic job, and my basic lifestyle."

It got me motivated enough to apply to ABTech, talk to advisers, get sorted out, send in my SAT scores, take the accuplacer for writing, figure out which degree of associative transfer I'd achieve, yadayadayada.

After tonight that is all changed. Tonight was the 19th day feast we have every (you guessed it) 19 days for my religion The Bahai Faith. (you may or may not know about that being my religion) I hadn't been to a bahai obligation in who knows how long, I just haven't. I kept telling myself I was too busy this, too busy that, when in reality I have just been avoiding the bahai faith all together. Well tonight I was invited in particularly to this feast because it was to celebrate my Graduation. SO of course I went. Well after experiencing all the generosity of those around me, and all the praying and how nice everyone was to me, I felt like utter crap.

Recently (again, the past few weeks) my mom as been talking about a raw food diet (vegan, no meat, or dairy). And it is a very appealing thought to me, I would be much healthier, and in much better shape, much better energy etc. She talks about how that is the way humans were meant to eat food, it is best to eat foods closest to their natural state. And I could not agree more. This also falls into place with my religious writings where there is one quote that says "fruits and grains are the foods of the future" or something along those lines. And yeah as appealing and awesome as that sounds, we as bahai's as a whole I feel aren't striving towards that future. I know why I haven't been. I don't feel connected to God whatsoever. Nor my religious beliefs. Whenever I pray, or we have devotions, I feel NOTHING. As terrible as that sounds. Everyone around me you can tell is thriving off the energy, getting in touch with God, meanwhile I am sitting there wondering what I am going to do when I get home, what I should eat, how that attractive woman would look in the nude, etc. And after tonight, I realize just how unknowledgable I am of not just my own faith, but of everything.

How am I supposed to know my religion is better than others? How am I supposed to know that religion is even factual at all? It isn't just some made up false sense of security for those that need it. How do I know that there exists a God at all? And above all else what is the reason I am here? What is the reason anyone is here for that matter. Why are humans, as a society living? What is our purpose in being alive? In life in general? Why am I pondering these things so heavily now? Is it because I just got finished reading A Brave New World in English? Or is it because I am buckling under the stress of my future? Is it because I am coming to the realization that I have jsut been accepting the bahai faith and not knowing? Or is it a combination of all of the above? I myself believe it is a combination of everything, and for some reason it hit me hard tonight.

I tried watching an episode on pbs.com of why we love cats and dogs, and at the end I just broke down into a sob. It was the hardest I had cried since Freshmen year. I had a total mental breakdown. I now want to know why am I here on earth? Why is there an earth? Why is there a galaxy? Why is there a universe? are there multiple universe's? And if so...Why? That is all I can ask at this point. Is why this why that, then I get to thinking religion is that reason. It is that reasoning everyone looks for, that explains all these mysteries. But what if that is all religion is? What if it isn't anything else? And in essence, I suppose it is. It IS just a belief. What happened to my belief? I don't know. I'm beginning to think I never did believe, I just accepted, I was raised bahai, and just accepted that was who I am. The only time I actually felt something towards God, was when I went on our religious pilgrimage to Haifa, Israel. That was so long ago I don't even remember what it felt like, but I am beginning to think I just felt closer because it was as close as you could get to God in the physical realm. But I still hadn't achieved the spiritual, and still haven't. I try reading a prayer, meditating on it, but I get nothing, they feel like empty words. It feels like silliness to me almost.

Bottom line in my opinion, is that there HAS to be a God, of some sort. No Science will ever explain WHY there are these things. "oh yeah it was the big bang!" nononono I want to know WHY.... WHY was there a big bang if there was one, and what was before the big bang huh???? Yeah that's what I thought. There HAS to be God. But then why did he allow such suffering here on earth? Holocaust, slavery, racism, sexism, rape, murder. WWWHHHYYYY??????

My religion explains (essentially) that the physical realm is our training wheels to that of the spiritual. And all this struggle and strife, is just spiritual preparation for the other world, that of the spiritual. And that when we die, no one goes to heaven or hell. But that we all go to The Abha Kingdom. Also the physical world is our time to pray, and achieve closeness to God, and that our souls are constantly and forever and ever will always try to achieve utmost closeness to God right next to him, but in essence will never ever be THAT close to God, but the closer you are to God the happier you are. So the worse you behaved in the physical realm, essentially places you in the same place as everyone else in the spiritual but just much further from God then others, and that is torture in itself apparently.

But my question is why? Why is there God, and why is he testing us so? And why are we perpetually achieving a closeness to God that we will never achieve? And why is he forcing our souls to go through such trials and tribulations in the first place? Why not place everyone close to God immediately?

Is that really what our purpose is? Or is our purpose to live life to the fullest, and happily for our own sake? Or.... Are we supposed to help those in need? Are we achieving human peace worldwide? And with all that is going on in our world right now, something along those lines needs to be done, all this warfare needs to stop, it will just lead to ruin, which will lead to a depressed state for all of us, which will lead to a dystopia, trapping us in a mindset where we believe it is a utopia when in fact it isn't, another Nazi type group? Do we want that? No.

So I guess the big question to me is why? My big question to life is why?
WHY?!

Perhaps someone can shed some further light on the subject...